Everyone knows that building and maintaining relationships takes work. Moreover, with that work comes communication. If one were to imagine a relationship without communication it would be similar to trying to imagine fishing without water or peanut butter without peanuts. Without communication even a once good relationship will loose its health. There wouldn't be much of a relationship left after awhile. Now, let's take this communication thing a step further, what if we couldn't communicate with God? We Christians would be in a world of insecurity and fear!
Stepping back once again, let's focus in on marriage. Imagine a marriage without communication. Unfortunately, for most readers, that won't be a challenging task. As sad as it sounds, this lack of communication is present in many marriages today. Many marriages are in shreds because there is little if any communication between the couple. Our purpose in this article is to focus not on communication per se, but rather to focus on a specific aspect of communcation: the importance of listening as communication in the covenant of marriage.
So, why do married couples struggle with communication? Many problems such as laziness, children, fatigue, fear, pride, selfishness, or even unconfessed sin could all be contributing to poor communication within marriage. Over time, if these problems are not dealt with, then the couple may tend to drift away from one another. The present author would suggest however that an even deeper issue is at play behind all these contributing factors to poor communication. Namely, some couples just don't know how to communicate biblically according to God's Word.
Now, to focus attention on the importance of listening as communication in the covenant of marriage. two verses will be suggested as a rule or standard to begin developing biblical listening skills for healthy communication. James, the brother of Jesus, wrote: "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath." ( James 1:19) Along these similar lines, Proverbs also suggests, "He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him." (Prov 18:13) In many marriages there is too much talking and not enough listening. It has been said, "good conversation is determined more by how well we listen than how well we speak" (Dale Carnegie). The truth is, that in order to communicate effectively, we must first be able to listen well. Jesus was always quick to remind his hearers, "he who has ears to hear, let him hear." The Lord wants us to listen to each other. It is in the dynamics of the marriage relationship that this truth is most necessary.
God is our exemplary teacher. Think of the way he shows his own love to his people in prayer. He is always willing to listen, Isaiah 59:1 says, "Behold, the LORD’S hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; neither his ear heavy, that it cannot hear." In Psalm 34, God listens to the righteous, "and his ears are open unto their cry." (Psalm 34:15) God is interested in our communication with him. This obviously has rich overtones for marriage through his example to each couple. Once both husband and wife begin to focus on God's willingness to listen and meditate on this truth, it will become easier for them to practice it with each other. Instead of always being heard, one key to effective communication is to focus on what the other person has to say.
In order to illustrate the need for good listening skills, Robert Fisher offers a good bit of wisdom:
"In counseling sessions with couples experiencing marital difficulties, I usually set an important guideline at the outset of the discussion. I suggest that the wife first say what she wants to say without interruption from her husband. When she finishes, the husband is to express his perspective of the problem, while his wife listens. The result of this arrangement has been quite revealing. Often the wife, after beginning to tell her side of the story, will become too emotional to continue. She will say something like this, 'Do you know this is the first time since our marriage got into trouble that my husband has heard what I have to say. He always avoids the issue, he never listens to me.' The reaction fro her husband is similar, 'I've tried to talk to her about these things, but she always gets upset. She never lets me explain.'"
Fisher brings to the forefront the importance of listening so as not to interrupt. Interruption causes many problems in the communication process. Moreover, it shows disrespect and disinterest; not to mention an unwillingness to listen. In return this only leads to complications in the relationship, before long feelings of anger, frustration, bitterness, and the like take root. In talking to a couple he was counseling, James H. Jauncey writes about a husbands words, "I used to talk to her. Your know, about my job and all that. I would start to explain a problem I might have. But she would always cut me off. 'That reminds me' she would interupt, and be off on some tangent. All that my talking did was to give her a springboard for some topic of her own. She wasn't interested in what I wanted to say.'" Granted, this woman no doubt loved her husband, and she most likely never intended for her husband to get the impressions he did. Yet, this is what she had communicated to him by her interruptions. While, this article is not intended to focus on non-verbal communication, yet this example supplied by Jauncey, offers a good reminder that we communicate in many ways even when we don't realize it!
Peter exhorts husbands to understand their wives: "likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge." (1 Peter 3:7) Not understanding one another in marriage is, in part, a result of poor listening. Once a couple spends time learning the art of listening and grows thereby, an incredible transformation will take place. Paul Tournier explains, "In order for the husband or wife to express themselves, there must be a feeling of warm and kind receptivity and intensity of listening." That intensity of listening gives way for both husband and wife to learn to express themselves. The thoughts of being criticized, judged, or even having to receive advise will give way to true self expression. Self expression enables couples to truly understand one another.
The best way to understand someone is to listen, not state what's on our mind. Paul Tournier suggests:
"In order to truly understand, we need to listen, not reply. We need to listen long and attentively. In order to help anybody to open his heart, we have to give him time, asking only a few questions, as carefully as possible, in order to help him better explain his experience. Above all we must not give the impression that we know better than he does what he must do. Otherwise we force him to withdraw. Too much criticism will also achieve the same result, so fragile are his inner sensitivities."
When the marriage is at the point when neither spouse can open up (self expression), the marriage is in serious trouble; these are the ground for future problems, perhaps even temptations toward adultery. The reason being that husbands and wives are wired by God to have someone to communicate with. Everyone desires to be heard, understood, and noticed. We all want to be able to express ourselves to someone.
In conclusion, perhaps it is wise to learn to be slow to speak. Pay attention to your spouse and begin to develop an intensity for listening. No matter how many times one has tried and failed, there is not doubt that the Christian truly can do all things through Christ. As God listens to his children, as Jesus listens to his bride, may marriages find health and life as each couple practices the heavenly art of listening well.
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